22

Every once in a while i get this feeling. I have these things run through my head that I immediately recognize as lies, and not of God, yet still I entertain them in my head. And, I don't mean entertain like, they have a good time, I just mean that they stick around and I start to think more about them.

This past week was a kind of slow week, which isn't usually how my weeks are. It was good to actually have some down time to relax and such though, but at the same time, when I don't have a whole lot going on I begin to do more life-evaluation type thinking. The problem with this, is that in my own bias, as most people are with their own, there's the idea that I have not done, or I am not doing enough. It's the need to "make-it".

So, when I sit and do some of these life-evaluations, here are some of the normal thoughts that go through my head:
"Why have I not 'made it?'" (even though I don't even know what that would actually look like)
"When am I going to get a real job and start making money?"
"When am I going to have more than enough to just 'get by' in my bank account?"
"When am I going to (insert whatever piece of the American Dream that I have not achieved yet?"

How selfish of me.

When I get into this pattern of thinking, like I said, I recognize it instantly as not being from God. But I can't stop myself.

I was eating breakfast with Aaron, (my room mate) before church on sunday, and we were talking about the idea of looking for a solid job (currently I am triple employed, each part time, and each inconsistently), yet I am still not fully satisfied with what I am doing, as I know it is not what I want to do when I "grow up". And then I realized, and admitted to myself, though I knew it before, that I am only 22 years old. Aaron reminded me that Jesus himself was 30 before he started his ministry.

I know, I know, big epiphany. But thats my problem sometimes, is that I don't let myself remember that. I hang out a lot with people that are older than me. Out of college, and in the real world. and I see them doing what they love, or, maybe not love, but what brings them money, and I think to myself, "how come they are doing this and I am not? Am I inferior?"

My friend Tyler, who is a 3-year intern at Willow with the Axis ministry is someone I look up to a lot. He is 25 (or 26, I may have missed a birthday somewhere this year), and in his 3rd year of the internship, and I find myself comparing myself to him a lot. His ministry is going great, and he has been given great opportunity and responsibility, and has even been given the opportunity to speak at some of the Axis gatherings on the first Friday of each month. I was talking to him one day when I was feeling this way, and he told me about how he almost left the ministry when he first started, now 2 years ago, but that he decided to stick it through and only now, 2 years later, is he being given all these opportunities.

Not that I have though about not wanting to do ministry, though it may have crossed my mind here and there, but just thinking that he wasn't in the place he is in now 2 years ago. Which would put him at 23 years old, still older than I am now. I'm 22, and I think that I am behind. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm right on time.

I just need to remember. I'm still a student. And I'm only 22.